you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
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