It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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