had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Randomize
