and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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