is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
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Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
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