my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
