I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
