I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
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