just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
