the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
