It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
