i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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