if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
