Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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