you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
You were trust falling into bushes
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
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