im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
