My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
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