He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Randomize
