my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
Randomize
