chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
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