I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
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