He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Randomize
