cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
