We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
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