Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
