Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
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