You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
