she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
So... he formspringed me a link to every nude pic ive taken since he 8th grade. ive evolved nicely. but im nervous as to how this a website.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
