She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
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