I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
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