What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
