1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
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Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
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My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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