life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
