walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Randomize
