A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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