matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
