dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Randomize
