I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
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