flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Randomize
