Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Randomize
