I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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