bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
