Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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