Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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