Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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