I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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