she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I AM VODKA MAN
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Randomize
