My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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