Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
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It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
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