To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
