I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
