Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
