I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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