We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Soap is not a condiment
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
she pinky promised me she was 18
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Randomize