wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
The ass gains better be worth it
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