My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
